Why Communication Breaks Down in Relationships—And How to Rebuild It
Every time you try to have a more important conversation, it spirals into an argument—and you’re not even sure what you’re arguing about. Or maybe you have the stoic partner who seems allergic to saying “I feel.” Or you’re the one who keeps trying, but no matter how hard you push, it feels like you’re just not getting through.
The number one thing I hear from couples starting therapy is, “We need to work on communication.” Sometimes it’s the thing holding them back from moving forward. Other times, it’s years of unspoken resentment and misunderstanding that’s built up.
Even the strongest relationships have hiccups. But the difference is—they know how to recover. In this post, we’ll look at what breaks down communication, patterns I often see in sessions, and small changes that can help your relationship feel more connected, secure, and loving.
What Breaks Down Communication
1. Being Right vs. Doing What’s Best for the Relationship
Sure, being right can feel really good. But when it comes at the expense of connection? Not so much. I’ve seen many of my clients get stuck debating whose version of events is “true,” or getting hung up on a small detail. The conversation shifts from understanding each other to proving a point—and both people walk away feeling defensive or unseen.
2. Making Assumptions Instead of Asking
Ever heard the phrase, “Assuming makes an a** out of you and me”? Most of us assume because we’re trying to protect ourselves. Maybe we fear being rejected, or we’ve convinced ourselves the other person doesn’t care. But when we stay stuck in our own internal narrative without checking in, we start reacting to stories, not reality.
3. Unspoken Expectations
Being in a relationship means merging two different worlds—family backgrounds, life stories, habits, personalities. What feels obvious to one person might never cross the other’s mind. When we expect our partner to know something we haven’t actually said, resentment tends to grow.
4. “You Should Just Know” (aka Mind Reading)
Wouldn’t it be amazing if your partner just instinctively knew what you needed? Totally. But honestly, that only happens between infants and their primary caregivers—where communication is mostly behavioral. In adult relationships, mind reading isn’t a sustainable strategy. Clear communication is.
5. Emotional Flooding and Shutting Down
When one partner feels overwhelmed and shuts down, and the other keeps pushing forward, no one ends up feeling heard. It’s like trying to talk over a fire alarm—your nervous system can’t process anything.
6. Anxiety or People-Pleasing Leading to Avoidance
Sometimes, people avoid bringing things up because they’re afraid of rocking the boat. But when conversations get swept under the rug, they don’t disappear—they just build pressure until something eventually explodes.
Themes I’ve Seen in Sessions
1. One Partner Wants to Talk Now, the Other Needs Space
This is what most therapists refer to as the pursuer-distancer dynamic. One partner feels anxious, needs answers, and wants connection now to feel secure. The other starts to feel overwhelmed or emotionally cramped—and needs space to think clearly or avoid saying something reactive. Both people are trying to protect themselves, but it can feel like they’re speaking different languages.
2. Expecting a Communications Expert
Let’s be honest: most of us didn’t grow up learning how to name our feelings or sit in discomfort. In many couples, one person is more emotionally expressive, while the other grew up in a family where emotions were avoided or shut down. This mismatch can lead to frustration, where one person is waiting for the other to suddenly become a skilled communicator. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, trust, and practice—and even then, we all mess it up sometimes. (I’m a therapist, and I still do!)
3. Blaming or Sarcasm as a Shield for Vulnerability
I’ve seen this in every couple I’ve worked with. It feels safer to say, “You’re always messing up,” than to admit, “I needed you and felt alone.” It’s easier to throw out a passive-aggressive jab than to say, “I’m scared you’ll stop choosing me.” These protective strategies often mask really tender feelings underneath—and naming those feelings is where true connection begins.
How to Fix It: Tools for Better Communication
1. Name the Cycle, Not the Character Flaws
Instead of “You’re always ignoring me,” try: “I think we’re stuck in that loop again where I push and you shut down.” Naming the pattern helps you work as a team to shift it—instead of blaming each other.
2. Replace “You Never” with “I Feel”
Own your experience. Saying “I feel unheard” is far less likely to put your partner on the defensive than “You never listen to me.” The goal isn’t perfection, it’s creating space for connection.
3. Create a Ritual for Hard Conversations
Set up a weekly check-in—at first, something structured. Over time, it might evolve into a casual chat over coffee or during a walk. Include both what’s working and what could use more care. Keep your requests clear and specific.
4. Get Understanding Before Problem-Solving
Jumping to fix the issue before fully understanding it is like assuming chest pain must be a heart attack—when it could just be heartburn or anxiety. If you treat the wrong thing, you don’t actually solve the problem. In relationships, it’s the same: slow down and get curious. What’s really going on underneath your partner’s words or behavior? Often, what’s needed first is understanding, not a solution.
5. Slow Down When Emotions Run High
If things are getting heated or one of you feels overwhelmed, take a break—with the agreement that you’ll come back to the conversation. Regulating yourself first makes repair possible.
6. Focus on Connection, Not Winning
Ironically, the more you try to “win” the argument, the less likely your partner is to hear your point. When your energy is focused on connection, you’re more likely to be received with openness.
7. Practice Acceptance
This one’s tough but powerful: accept your partner as they are. If you go into the relationship expecting them to become someone else, resentment is inevitable. Look for the strengths in their traits—and remind yourself why you chose them.
Closing Thoughts
Communication struggles don’t mean your relationship is broken—they mean you’re human. Every couple hits bumps. What matters more than saying the “perfect” thing is learning how to repair, reconnect, and show up with care.
It takes practice, not perfection, to build emotional safety and shift old patterns. And if you’ve been stuck in the same loop for a while, you don’t have to untangle it alone. Therapy can be a powerful space to slow down, get curious, and rebuild the connection you both want.
If you're ready for more support, I’d love to help. You can book a free consult here or reach out with any questions. Your relationship doesn’t need to be in crisis to grow—it just needs intention.
