Healing After A Breakup
The aftermath of a breakup can feel cataclysmic. It’s not just about losing a relationship — it can feel like you’ve lost an entire version of yourself. Maybe you’re suddenly wondering who you are outside the context of the relationship. Maybe your future feels like a blank page, when just days ago it felt like an anchor. It’s disorienting.
One moment you’re crying in your bedroom, convinced you’ll never love like that again. The next, you’re boiling with rage about how they let you down. And then, just as suddenly, comes the numbness. You find yourself staring blankly at the ceiling, not crying, not raging — just nothing. Nothing feels interesting. Nothing feels good. You wonder if you’ll ever feel anything again.
And I know — it sounds dramatic. Maybe you’re even questioning your sanity: “Who is this person I’ve become? Why am I acting like this?”
But you are not crazy. And there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
Breakups hit on multiple levels — emotionally, psychologically, physiologically. They don’t just sever a romantic connection; they impact your sense of identity, your daily rhythms, your ideas about the future, your support system, and your biochemistry. The same brain regions activated during physical pain light up during a breakup. Love activates our dopamine and oxytocin systems — and when that bond is lost, our brain and body go through withdrawal.
So if you’re swinging from grief to panic to anger to complete apathy… you’re not alone. It’s actually incredibly normal to experience emotional whiplash after a breakup.
But juust because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s easy.
You’re likely facing moments where you want to reach out to your ex, spiral into self-blame, or isolate from everyone around you. You might be tempted to pretend you’re fine or throw yourself into work or dating to distract from the pain. But healing isn’t about pushing it all down. And it’s not about “getting over it” as quickly as possible.
What if instead, you gave yourself permission to take your time? To be messy and complicated and human? Below are five ways to support your healing after a breakup — not to speed up the process, but to honor it.
1. Practice Self-Compassion (Even When It Feels Impossible)
After a breakup, the inner critic gets loud. It tells you it was all your fault. That you should have known better. That you’re too much, too emotional, too needy. That you’ll never find someone again.
Sound familiar?
Self-compassion doesn’t mean pretending you were perfect in the relationship. It means offering yourself kindness despite the mess. It means understanding that pain is part of the human condition — and you’re not alone in yours.
One of my favorite practices is the Loving-Kindness Meditation — especially the version by the Calm app on YouTube (linked here). Research shows it can actually activate areas in the brain associated with empathy and emotional regulation. You start by offering kindness to yourself, then to someone you care about, and eventually even to someone you’re struggling with.
Self-compassion helps with:
Easing the shame spiral
Rebuilding self-worth
Creating space to grieve without judgment
Letting go of the need to “perform” healing or get it all right
You don’t need to be your most productive, positive self right now. You just need to be gentle with the person who’s going through a loss.
2. Take Care of Your Body (Even When It Feels Like the Last Thing You Want to Do)
Grief is experienced in the body. And during a breakup, your body often reacts in extreme ways — loss of appetite, insomnia, physical exhaustion, or even panic attacks.
Some people start over-exercising as a way to reclaim control. Others find themselves bingeing comfort food and staying in bed for days. None of this makes you broken — it makes you human.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there’s a skill called PLEASE — an acronym to help regulate your body and, in turn, your emotions:
PL – Treat Physical illness
E – Eat balanced meals regularly
A – Avoid mood-altering substances
S – Get enough Sleep
E – Exercise in a way that supports you
You don’t have to aim for perfection. Start small: drink water. Have a snack. Take a shower. Step outside and sit in the sun. Move your body in a way that feels good, not punishing. This isn’t about becoming the glow up version of yourself. It’s about resourcing your body with what it needs to weather the storm.
3. Lean on Connection (Even When You Feel Like Withdrawing)
Breakups often come with a loss of your primary support person. So it’s tempting to isolate — especially if you don’t want to be a burden or if friends are also close with your ex.
Healing isn’t meant to happen alone.
Reach out to the people who make you feel safe and grounded. Let them know what you need — whether it’s someone to listen, someone to distract you, or someone to bring snacks (and maybe a bottle of wine) and sit with you in silence.
A few gentle tips:
Choose who you go to. Not everyone is a source of comfort and some of your friends may be going through something else already.
Ask before spilling. A simple “Do you have the capacity to hear me vent for a few minutes?” goes a long way.
Let yourself receive care — even if it’s awkward at first.
You deserve to be supported, even when you don’t have all the answers.
4. Use Distraction as a Coping Skill (Not as an Avoidance)
Distraction often gets a bad rap — but when used intentionally, it’s a valid form of distress tolerance (another DBT skill). Sometimes you need to interrupt the rumination loop to avoid sinking deeper into emotional overwhelm.
Intentional distraction might look like:
Watching your favorite show on Netflix or HBO Max
Baking that recipe you saw on Pinterest
Taking a day trip
Going to that pottery class you’ve been saying you’ll try for the last few months
The key is mindfulness. You’re not trying to erase the pain — you’re giving your nervous system a break. You can return to the grief when you’re more resourced.
5. Make Space for Intentional Processing (Without Overanalyzing)
On the flip side of distraction is processing — the intentional space you create to feel, reflect, and make meaning.
But here’s the catch: emotional processing doesn’t mean endlessly spiraling or re-reading old texts at 1am. It means carving out time — and then stepping away when that time is up.
Some ways to practice:
Set a timer and journal for 15 minutes
Write letters you don’t send
Let yourself cry
Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend
You might write the same things over and over — “Why did this happen?” “Do they miss me?” — and that’s okay. The point isn’t to figure it all out. It’s to allow space for your emotions and validating your experience.
A Final Word on Healing
One of my favorite quotes from Pema Chödrön is:
“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…”
Breakups are painful. But often we layer on extra suffering by blaming ourselves, obsessing over what the other person is doing, or demanding answers we may never get.
What if instead, you turned your attention inward? Not to fix yourself, but to care for the wound?
You might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. You might feel like a shell of your former self. But healing doesn’t require you to be certain. It requires you to keep showing up — in tiny, imperfect, human ways.
And remember: healing is nonlinear, unpredictable, and deeply worthwhile.
If you're struggling to make sense of your breakup, therapy can be a supportive space to untangle the grief, reclaim your sense of self, and explore what kind of relationship you want to create next.
You don’t have to do this alone. If you’re based in California or Santa Barbara, reach out for a free 15 minute discovery call to get started.
