Why You Keep Having the Same Argument- and What to do Instead

May 15

Do you ever feel like it’s the same argument on repeat?

Maybe it’s about how clean the house should be, how often you have sex, how your kid’s bedtime routine gets handled, or frustration over the lack of quality time together. The topics might shift slightly, but the feeling is familiar. It starts the same, ends the same, and leaves both of you wondering—how did we end up here again?

Most couples have at least one recurring conflict they circle back to again and again. And here’s the important part: this doesn’t mean there’s something fundamentally wrong with your relationship. It also doesn’t mean your partner is incapable of growth or that you’re incompatible.

It’s often just an indicator that something deeper is asking to be seen.

Understanding Repeating Conflicts

The Gottman Method, a research-based approach to couples therapy, offers a helpful framework here. According to John and Julie Gottman, relationship conflicts generally fall into two categories: solvable problems and perpetual problems.

Understanding the difference can be a game-changer in how you approach conflict.

Solvable Problems vs. Perpetual Problems

Solvable problems are typically situation-specific. They’re more about logistics than identity, emotion, or long-standing belief systems. These conflicts might feel frustrating, but with communication and collaboration, they’re often easily resolved.

For example:

Needing a cleaning schedule for your home
Figuring out who picks up the kids on which days
Taking turns planning date nights
Creating space for a weekly check-in to reconnect

Solvable problems often have practical solutions that, once agreed upon, tend to stick.

Perpetual problems, on the other hand, have a different flavor.

These are the kinds of issues that don’t fully go away because they’re rooted in deeper, often unchangeable parts of each person’s values, personality, history, or lifestyle. The goal isn’t to “solve” these problems—but rather to understand them, navigate them with compassion, and create ongoing dialogue that prevents gridlock.

Examples of Perpetual Problems

Here are a few examples of the kinds of deeper dynamics that show up in recurring arguments:

One partner needs more alone time while the other craves constant connection.
This might show up as fights about “never doing anything together” or feeling “smothered.”
One partner is adventurous and dreams of traveling the world. The other is more of a homebody who values routine and predictability.
Over time, this can become a tug-of-war between freedom and stability.
One partner believes in saving for a rainy day. The other sees money as a tool to enjoy life in the moment.
This often triggers arguments about spending habits or future planning.
One person values cleanliness and order as a way to feel secure. The other prioritizes socializing or creativity and sees mess as inevitable.
It might sound like a fight about dishes—but it’s really about identity and safety.

These are not problems with clear solutions. And that’s okay.

What matters is how you engage with them.

How Perpetual Problems Become Gridlocked

The danger with perpetual problems isn’t that they exist (because they always will to some degree), but that they can become gridlocked. When this happens, partners feel stuck, unheard, and emotionally unsafe.

You might start to avoid the topic entirely, or bring it up with sarcasm or resentment. You might find yourself attacking or withdrawing, not because you’re immature or mean-spirited—but because these issues poke at something tender inside of you.

Gridlock often signals that something meaningful—like a dream, fear, or core need—is being overlooked or invalidated. That’s when it stops being about the content and starts being about the meaning behind the conflict.

Step One: Name the Pattern

The first thing to do is notice and name the pattern. If you’re having the same argument over and over, try asking yourself:

“Is this issue about something situational—or does it reflect a deeper difference in values or temperament?”
“What am I actually feeling underneath my frustration?”
“What does this issue represent to me or my partner?”

This shift alone can be powerful. It moves you from blaming language (“You never…” “You always…”) to a more curious, compassionate stance.

Step Two: Explore the Meaning Behind the Problem

If you’ve identified that the problem is likely a perpetual one, the next step is to get curious about what it represents for each of you.

The Gottman method uses the dreams within the conflict strategy for gaining deeper understanding and moving towards compromise. That might sound abstract, but it often sounds like

“I want us to be intentional with money because I didn’t feel secure growing up.”
“I need alone time because that’s how I recharge and feel like myself.”
“Cleanliness helps me feel calm and safe.”
“Spontaneity reminds me that life is for living—not just surviving.”

When couples can speak from this place of vulnerability, they start to see each other not as the enemy—but as people with valid needs trying to feel safe, connected, and respected.

Step Three: Look for Flexibility

No one can get their way 100% of the time in a relationship. But most couples can find ways to compromise or adjust—especially when the core need is heard and validated.

Ask each other:

“Where can we be flexible?”
“What would help us both feel respected here?”
“Is there a temporary solution we can try and revisit?”

This is different from giving up your values. It’s about being responsive to your partner’s emotional world without abandoning your own.

Step Four: Revisit the Conversation

Perpetual problems don’t get solved in one conversation. You’ll likely need to come back to them again and again—hopefully with more gentleness and less urgency over time.

Create space to check in:

“How has this been feeling lately?”
“Do we need to tweak our agreement?”
“Have our needs shifted?”

Think of these as ongoing conversations, not one-time resolutions.

What If It Still Feels Stuck?

You’re not alone if this all sounds good in theory—but impossible in the moment. Many couples find themselves locked in reactive patterns, especially if conflict hasn’t felt safe in the past.

Therapy can help you slow things down enough to notice the pattern, name the emotions underneath, and learn new ways of responding. Sometimes just having a third person in the room (or Zoom!) can shift the dynamic enough to create real movement.

A Quick Recap

If you keep having the same argument, pause and ask yourself:

Is this problem solvable—or is it a deeper, perpetual issue?
What is this really about? (Try to name the emotion or dream underneath it.)
Can we explore each other’s needs with curiosity—not judgment?
Where is there room for flexibility or temporary compromise?
Are we willing to revisit this over time with openness and care?

Final Thoughts

Every couple argues. Every couple has sticking points. What sets thriving couples apart isn’t that they avoid conflict—it’s that they learn how to move through it with more awareness, empathy, and intention.

If you’re finding yourself gridlocked or tired of repeating the same script, you’re not broken. You just might need a different way to have the conversation.

And if you’re ready to move from reactivity to real connection, that’s exactly what I help couples do. Whether you’re dating, engaged, or years into partnership—therapy offers a space to slow down, get honest, and relate in a way that feels more aligned with who you are and who you want to be together.

Want to learn more or see if we’re a fit to work together?

Emily Fiedtkou